omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
