11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
