I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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