I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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