I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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