I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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