awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
