Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
