My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
