I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
