We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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