Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
