So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
