Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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