I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This is the high leading the old right now
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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