It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
