If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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