Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize