But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
