Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
