If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just pee around me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
