i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
