the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
