he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
