apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
