its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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