i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize