its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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