True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
