I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
