just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
