I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Drunk is a universal language darling
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
