i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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