life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
