my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
