So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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