god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
