dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
