i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
