i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Randomize
