I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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