If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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