Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
