Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize