I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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