I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
