If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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