Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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