you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
