why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You need a sexual gate keeper
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
