I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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