Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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