I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
