Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
