The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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