I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
