What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
