I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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