I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
