IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
