Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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