my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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